Ice Cream Solves All Problems

My son was whining about having to take a bath. I bribed him with ice cream. It always works. He's now sloshing around in a tub full of bubbles with a bowl of neopolitan on the edge of the tub. Don't worry. The bowl is plastic. (See my tweet from Sunday if you want the backstory on this one.)

I just reminded the 9 year old boy that his 3 year old self used to call shampoo 'shamPOOP'. The emphasis was his. He would just giggle and giggle when he said it. I think it was probably the first joke he ever made up. He also used to mix up 'can't' and 'don't'. He would say, "I can't want that." or "I can't like that." It was as if he had tried his very hardest, but he just couldn't manage to develop a taste for spinach. I have loved every stage of his life. I keep thinking that I wish I could freeze time and keep him at this age forever. But then he gets to the next stage and I think the same thing. Still, those cute toddler years were so much fun.

My stellar parenting is scarring him deeply, I'm sure. He will either be in therapy for obsessive compulisve disorder blaming me for forcing him to bathe daily, or he will be in therapy for an eating disorder and blaming me for parenting him with ice cream. Either way it's a win/win. I get to have lots of fun messing up his delicate psyche, and he gets to have lots of fun hating me for it. And his therapist will stop on the way home from his long day of listening to neurotic people refuse to take responsibility for their own lives and buy himself a dip cone at Dairy Queen.

Look what I found!!

My dad used to sing this to me. I wasn't named after this song, but this was the title song to a movie that debuted 11 days before I was born. It was kind of my theme song, but the lyrics don't really fit me.

Near Misses

A dozen times this year we were supposed to get a big snow storm. A dozen times it has miraculously missed us. The last time it was freaky weird. You could drive ten miles from our city limits in any direction and find snow, but there was not a sticking flake to be found here. For the first time since I enrolled my oldest child in kindergarten, we have had a school year without a snow day. The Boy got a snow board for Christmas that has never been used. So, I know that snow is icky and inconvenient, but I really hope this one gets us. Keep your fingers crossed for us and I'll let you know tomorrow. (And this has nothing to do with wanting to get out of the two soccer games we have scheduled for tomorrow. If soccer is cancelled, we're meeting the baseball team at the Y for batting practice. No sleeping in for me.)

On another topic, The Boy has a friend staying the night. Our basement family room has a sectional sofa. It's pretty big and the two far ends are built in recliners. Whenever someone stays all night, The Boy gets the family room with the big screen. They play and then at a predesignated time (tonight it's midnight) the kids have to put away the toys, get ready for bed, and then get pillows and blankets for the sofa. I let them start a movie because that's just good psychology. I tell them that they don't have to go to sleep, but they need to get quiet so I can go to sleep. They docilely agree because I said they didn't have to go to sleep. But when the lights dim and the movie starts...yeah... ten minutes and they are sawing logs. It works like a charm.

Post Script:

Ah, hubris, thy name is MoJo. The kids didn't fall asleep. They watched the entire movie and didn't end up falling asleep until 3. As he ages, I have to keep taking tools out of my arsenal because they no longer work. I guess the movie trick has now been outgrown.

It's 10:00 am and still no snow. Sigh.

And later still:

The snow missed us. Can you believe it?? Just a whole lot of rain and a light dusting of snow on the tops of a few non-garaged cars in the neighborhood.

Dish Network vs. Direct TV

I'm a pretty assertive person. I have no trouble at all advocating for myself when I feel that I'm not getting what I pay for. There have been a few instances over the years when I have given up trying to solve my problems locally and have called somebody's supervisor or corporate office. (Daddy's girl!) But still, in all of these years only once have I ever filed a Better Business Bureau complaint. That was five years ago and the company was Dish Network. I believe that if I had not filed that complaint, the issue would not have been resolved. For various bundling reasons, we kept Dish back then, but swore we would never put up with the slightest hint of a problem from them again because the last go around was just emotionally exhausting. So guess what? A couple of weeks ago they pissed me off again. I realize five years have passed since the first battle, but my memory for grievances is long. I did talk to the customer service rep. I did ask her nicely to solve my problem. She said no, so I hung up with her and called Direct TV. Don't come between me and CSI. I'll hurt you, man.

There was never a more satisfying phone call that I have made than the one where I called Dish back and asked them to come and get their stuff. THEN there were ways to solve my problem. Why, they would gladly send out a service tech for free. They could even knock ten bucks a month off my bill for ten months. Wow. How impressive. I stayed super nice and super gracious and told the gentleman that he should not waste any more of his time -or mine- trying to save my account because it couldn't be done.

Saturday the Direct TV guy came and hooked us up. Before we bundled our services, we had Dirct TV. We loved them and never had a single problem. You want to know the best part? I'm not going to lose my kitchen tv in June! We sprung for a kitchen receiver.

TV makes me very happy. If it's any consolation, though, I mostly watch the news (which depresses me, so my last sentence was probably a lie.) I just like to know what's going on in the world. Or at least I like to know what ABC thinks I should think is going on in the world.

OK, folks. There's nothing more to see here. Move along.

Why am I awake?

I have to work in the morning. I have a butt load of paperwork sitting on my desk calling my name. It's given up on the creepy but seductive whisper. At this point in time, the pile of paper is screeching at me in a shrill and annoying manner. A good night of sleep would sure help me tackle the paper mountain. (First a pile, now a mountain. Clearly it's growing even as I type.) So why am I awake? I think I need to drink some warm milk. Microwave one cup of milk in a coffee mug with a packet of splenda and a splash of vanilla. It's better than a sleeping pill. I guess. I've never actually taken a sleeping pill, so I could be telling the truth. You never know.

Woo hoo! I just yawned! I'm going back to bed to try this sleep thing again. If any one of you calls my cell phone in the next 8 hours and there isn't a pool of blood at your feet, I will create a pool of blood at your feet. Just a fair warning.

The End of an Era

My daughter, Chickie, has a birthday in April. She'll be 24. Sigh.

This weekend she came to visit me. We were at the mall Friday night and I told her that since I may not see her again until after her birthday, she should pick something out. As she has done every year since she was about 12, she made a beeline for Hot Topic. (She was one of those weird goth kids that wore a lot of black BEFORE Twilight came out.)

Anyway, the point is, we walked out of Hot Topic empty handed. Seriously. For the first time EVER she found nothing she wanted in there. Instead I got her a pair of comfy shoes, a maternity top, some socks, a new purse, and we ate dinner out. No black boots. No black camisole. No sarcastic t-shirt. No funky ear rings. Who is this person and what has she done with my daughter?

I think she looks like me.

Don't you think she's the spitting image of me? I mean, if she is a she. This is #2, my grandchild to be. All is well and the little one is healthy. My daughter, Chickie, is fine, too, but that is of lesser importance. (I'm only saying that because she's sitting next to me. I don't want her to think I like her. Then she'll know she can play me.)

My GB#2 is due on September 19th. I'm going to have to decide between volunteering at Camp Wonderland that week as I do every year, or being with my daughter. What the choice REALLY boils down to is hospital food vs cafeteria food. A girl has to have her priorites. Chickie told me tonight that the hospital where GB#2 will be born is like the Ritz Carlton (not cracker) of hospitals. They have a 24 hour kitchen where you can order the food stuff of your choice. That's way better than the tray of mushy vegetables and mystery meat I got when she was born. I think I'm leaning toward the baby option.

Shiny Happy People

OK, I love REM, but you have to admit this is a horrible song. It does have it's practical applications, though. I'm sure there is a car commercial somewhere using it to sell you a lifestyle. I bet it's even in the soundtracks of a few movies, although I'm too lazy to google it and back myself up with citations. But for my purposes today, it's meant in its original spirit. It was a political statement about Tiananmen Square. This is where my life changes. After I hit publish on this post, I'm pretty sure Homeland Security will open up a file on me. But the truth is, I love this country and everything it stands for. I just choose to join the following brilliant people in respectful disagreement.

O, it is excellent To have a giant’s strength! But it is tyrannous To use it like a giant.
– William Shakespeare

Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
– Voltaire

Don't regard yourself as a guardian of freedom unless you respect and preserve the rights of people you disagree with...
– Gerard K. O'Neill

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
- Oscar Wilde



It is useless to attack men who could not be controlled even if conquered, while failure would leave us in an even worse position...
– Thucydides

It is always easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.
– Alfred Adler

Always there has been some terrible evil at home or some monstrous foreign power that was going to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it.
– Douglas MacArthur

The deterioration of every government begins with the decay of the principles on which it was founded.
– Charles-Louis De Secondat

After each war there is a little less democracy left to save.
– Brooks Atkinson

In peace, sons bury their fathers; in war, fathers bury their sons.
– Herodotus

Our country is not the only thing to which we owe our allegiance. It is also owed to justice and to humanity.
– James Bryce

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
– Robert M. La Follette

Civilization began the first time an angry person cast a word instead of a rock.
– Sigmund Freud

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your governmant when it deserves it.
– Mark Twain

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
– Friedrich Nietzsche

I love America more than any other country in the world and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.
– James Baldwin

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.
– David Friedman

Feel free to disagree with me. That's what this country is all about.

Youth = Brilliance

Mister and I were talking about funny things The Boy has said, and I thought to myself, "Blog Topic!" I think I need a 12 step program.

But seriously- or rather, humorously- the kids in my family have said some hilarious things over the years. A few of my favorites are shared here for your amusement or annoyance, depending on how cute you think other people's children are.

The best comment from The Boy so far... He was about 3 and he was in a really argumentative mood. I ~being more human than Goddess ~ eventually lost my patience and snapped, "I have had enough!" His response was, "I had it first!"

My older son was about the same age when I was pouring him a glass of milk. Wanting him to indicate when the glass was full enough for his liking, I said, "Tell me when." He looked at me in complete confusion and said, "Right now."

My baby brother was angry at a neighborhood bully and he was heading out the door with a toy bat to go hit the monster. My mom stopped him and said, "Michael, two wrongs don't make a right!" His response was, "Well, how many does it take?"

I have two sons (The Boy and Buddy) and one daughter (Chickie). Buddy said to The Boy "You're my favorite brother." I said, "Don't get that started because Chickie can't say the same thing to him." Her reply, "Yes I can."

I have to go now. Tonight is my husband's birthday. We really eat up the cake this time of year.

Here is a baby pic of Mister. Even then you could see how great looking, funny, charming, and smart he is.

Happy Birthday Mister. Tu Blave.

Opening Day of Soccer ~ Why is every kid but mine a brat?

Today was the opening day of 2009 Spring Soccer. This was a new and different season for the following reasons:

1. The Boy has moved up into a new age group, so he was one of the youngest kids in this league. He is playing with kids up to the age of 13 because there are not enough kids in the oldest league to play, so they sprinkled them into my son's league. I was prepared to be upset about that, but it was ok today.

2. They no longer have adult volunteer refs. Beginning this year the YMCA is partnering with the high school soccer coach. The high school players are putting on free soccer clinics and are reffing the youth league games. I liked that better.

Above is a picture of The Boy playing today. I was trying to figure out my new camera, but I was having trouble with it and kept missing or blurring the shots. I think I need to take a class. (Just what you need, right? MORE pictures of my family!)

It never ceases to amaze me at the number of little kids that race up and down the bleachers, kick the bleachers, whine for drinks, play on the sidelines between me and the game I'm trying to watch, run onto the field during games, and generally go completely without active parenting. Next week, I'm bringing a taser. Watch your kids ... or else.

Does anyone watch the news?

The news is so depressing I can barely get through it without opening a vein. Tonight I was watching a discussion of Bernie Madoff's attempts to plea bargain. Supposedly he is willing to spend the remainder of his life in prison (where he will NOT be victimized by other criminals because it is highly doubtful that any of them invested with him) in exchange for immunity for his wife. She would get to keep 62 MILLION dollars and the penthouse in New York. In the same segment they interviewed a 90 year old man who lost everything in the Madoff scheme. He has had to go to work as a greeter at a grocery store just to survive. There is no chance of justice here, only punishment. I think his wife needs to stand trial as well. She is so clearly hiding assets. But I guess they think no one will notice their connivances based on previous experience with the gullibility of human nature.

In June my kitchen tv will no longer work. Then I will not be able to watch the news anymore. I will have to watch 'Drake and Josh' with my son, or watch 'Dirty Jobs' with my husband. I'm thinking that maybe this is a good thing. :-) I have the world's most awesome son. And I'm not just saying that because he's reading over my shoulder while I type.

Karma ~ Not the Chamelion

You know, some of us knew about and understood the concept of karma BEFORE My Name is Earl came out. Some of us are even old enough to have heard of it before the Culture Club sang it. I believe in karma. Normally I would roll my eyes at the granola eating hippies who espouse such a cosmically balanced philosophy, but there's something to this. Sometimes.

I tell my children all the time, "Suck it up. Life isn't fair. There are no referees." But every once in a while, life IS fair. Every once in a while, you pass the guy who cut you off a few miles back while he's on the shoulder with the state trooper. Don't you just smirk?

A few years ago, I ran into someone who was trying to make a name. This person took great pleasure in arguing that the thing I thought was a NEED for someone for whom I was advocating, was really only a WANT. We went a few rounds and she was not nice about expressing her opinion in a manner that implied that I and my client were trying to get something for nothing. There was no reason to be so hateful, but there she was, trying to look and sound important. Lots of people do that by criticizing or tearing down other people. Those people should go back and read Hope for the Flowers. The moral of that story was that to get to the top, don't climb, fly. Anyway, she must not have read it because she did her best to climb right over a very defenseless person that I support.

Today she crashed and burned in front of me. Today I tried to be polite and listen to her presentation that she was bombing, because, you know, I'm the MUCH better person. But the sinful, immature, malicious part of me was smirking on the inside. Crud. Now karma has to come after me for smirking.

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JEZEBEL UPDATE: She didn't choose either of them. Apparently there was a third candidate in the running. I bet his mom made cupcakes. No problem. My Boy had a back up plan and is now going out with an even cuter girl. Karma.

Par-tays

Last night my son had a sleepover for his birthday. He invited five friends. (Four of them are welcome back.) That left me with 6 little boys at my house. It was too cold to play outside and the snow missed us, so sledding was out. Instead, we went to the rec center. This place is really cool. Here's a picture of The Boy at the pool yesterday.

Here is the whole group of them in the concession area.

Swimming makes kids HUNGRY. After they filled up on snacks at the pool, they ate granola bars in the car on the drive home. Then when we got home we made individual pizzas. I had all the ingredients sitting out and they each built their own to order. After that they had cake and ice cream. Then they snacked the rest of the evening. They were like a swarm of locusts. Luckily I've had this same experience with my older kids, so I had enough food on hand. If I hadn't, I'm pretty sure one of the dogs would have been sacrificed.

The night before this, we just had my older kids over for cake. Here are shots of that. This first one is my oldest son making sure we all know that this is the coolest party he's ever been to. Poor guy.

And this is my daughter showing off the belly which will one day be grandbaby number two. Wait. That doesn't sound right! I'm sensing the creation of a nickname!!

I bet you guys wake up every morning and think, "No matter how bad my life is, at least I wasn't born into THAT family."

Here's your funny Mister comment for the day. I've been feeling poorly lately. I joked that I was going to get on mayoclinic.com and see if I have a brain tumor. He said, "Don't worry. If you have a brain tumor, I'll get on surgery.com and learn how to take it out."

I'm done for now. You can go on about your business.