I don't have a doctorate in psychology or an MD. But despite the lack of educational qualifications, I am, quite frankly, a diagnostic genius. House has nothing on me. Just ask my family. Each and every person to whom I am related, as well as most of my friends, have reaped the rewards of my uncanny knack for pegging their personal problems into a DSM4 or ICD9 code.
Though no medical professional has, as of yet, confirmed any of my diagnoses, I have quite a list under my belt. I have diagnosed friends and relatives with Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, a vestibular disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, migraines, ADHD, food allergies, personality disorders, early onset Alzheimers, speech apraxia, etc.
In addition to pegging them all into their proper categories, I also know exactly how they should treat their disorders. Abilify is a wonder drug. Seroquel is great, but you need to watch your cholesterol closely. Eat more fiber and leafy green vegetables. Try cutting gluteins from your diet. I am a veritable fount of medical and psychiatric knowledge. One of these days... just once .... one of my diagnoses will be confirmed and I will be impossible to live with after that. In the meantime, people don't complain about their problems around me any more. I wonder why?
Now take two aspirin and call me in the morning.
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